just a quickie

Today I released my music video.  I'm basically peeing my pants I am so happy and excited.

Another thing that makes me very excited is this beautiful poster made by the man that I love.

Thats all I wanted to say :)

the video

I am an administrator.  That is what I am paid to do.  I have been a legal secretary for about nine years but just this year got a sweet promotion to this flash new role.  My job is actually interesting at times and definitely quite demanding.  But being the creative that I am, my job is also often quite unfulfilling.  The hours between 9 – 5 are a breeding ground of daydreams for me.

This might seem a bit silly, but a couple of years ago I started this thing where each year I give myself a new motto to base my life around.  My first year’s motto was ‘I’m gonna live my life regardless’ and honestly, it really helped (not to mention it inspired one of my most favourite songs I have ever written).  Last year’s motto was ‘Fuck Dreaming: Make Plans’.  A tad crude, but the blunt aggressive nature of it was what I needed to inspire myself.  So since the beginning of last year I have approached my dreams in that way.  That’s how I transformed my dream of making an EP into a reality as well as all the other musical ventures I have been involved in over the last year and a bit.  However, sometimes no matter how hard you try certain dreams just seem impossible.  Making a video clip was one of those dreams for me.

Since I can remember, all I have wanted to do was make music, perform and be on film.  

Actually before I was obsessed with making music, I was all about the acting.  My little 10 year old self spent most nights lying in bed rehearsing her Oscar Award Winning Speech, or imagining how her interview on Oprah would play out.  I was going to be a great movie actress.  Even though my dreams for feature film making have been put to one side (for now), I have spent many day dreaming hours on the topic of music videos and the making of them.

The problem was, while it was well and good me saying I was gonna start making plans as opposed to just dreaming, how does one make plans to make a video clip with no money and utterly no clue.  That was the question.  I’ve spent years dreaming about it and never felt like I had any way to proceed in this regard.  However, during a good day dreaming sesh at work I began racking my brains for any possible film connections that I had.  I came up with three.  Turns out three connections and the audacity to send a cheeky email was all I needed.  It also turns out that unpaid work for an unknown artist can sometimes be an enticing offer.  I don’t know what gods were shining on me that day, but my heart and smile continued to grow as various emails were exchanged and a date was set down for me to meet with this potential director. 

I remember my first meeting with her so well.  I was impossibly afraid.  I had decided the best thing for me to do was google this so-called director and find out who she was.  Once I did find out I was clueless as to why she would be entertaining the idea of making this video for me.  Her name is Ruth Korver.  She has quite a beautiful array of work under her belt acting in various roles (ie director, producer etc).  The most notable would be that she co-produced the feature film ‘How to meet girls from a distance’ (if you don’t know what I am talking about, well you should check out this trailer).  So yeah, I was a tad intimidated.  But all of my nerves and anxiety dissipated within a minute of meeting her.  I left that meeting so excited because I couldn’t believe my luck.  I had managed to meet a talented director who loved my music and was herself excited to make a clip with me.  It was impossible to believe what had just taken place.

Somehow, over the following months, a lovely lady crew was pieced together by Ruth (so very Beyonce of us!).  So all up we had a director, a director of photography, a set designer, a costume designer, makeup artist and lighting coordinator.  Oh and I got to be called ‘the talent’.  I was quite ok with that.

Everything about the whole process of making this video I was drooling over – ‘Why yes I would love to drink wine and brainstorm with you’.  ‘Costume fitting you say?’  ‘Of course I don’t mind doing some pinning to our pinterest mood board’.  ‘You want to do a makeup and hair test? OK!’ -   I LOVED.IT.ALL.  Like to the point where just now I considered hashtagging that statement.  I thrived on the environment of creativity, the environment of collaboration.

Still now, when I think about it all, I panic that it was all just a dream.  It’s all just too good to be true.  I got to spend hours brainstorming with Ruth and creating this interesting world for the clip to inhabit.  The costume designer Bonne folded approximately a million doilies to hand make me a one-of-a-kind whimsical and daydreamy dress.  Larissa, the set designer, created a room I wanted to live in forever.  Daniela lit my face and the space so beautifully that it looks like I am glowing.  Ness the DOP captured beautiful angles and perspectives and gave the clip such warmth and Fiona gave me my dream hair-do and makeup.   I mean.  Just tooooo good.

But it was real.  It is real.  And its realness is very soon going to be presenting itself to you.  In just a few days all should be revealed.  So keep your eyes peeled people for my dream is about to be served to you on a platter.  And I refuse to pretend I aint excited. 

The summer at the end of the tunnel

It’s been a pretty weird winter for me.  I have felt a distinct absence of words (although I anticipate my boyfriend will disagree with me on that).  But putting mindless chatter aside where I concede my words are plentiful, I have struggled with a surprising absence of language during this season; an inability to articulate.  Perhaps feeling there is little value or meaning in my words, that is, if I could find any to say.

This word-famine I seem to be experiencing has affected me in so many ways.  New musical ideas struggling to be formed, blogs have barely been written, lyrics left naked without consonants or vowels, wordless feelings that have not been penned and crafted into melodies. Just a sort of barrenness. 

I am full of feeling. That is for sure.  I have a lot of tastes on my tongue and experiences on my skin that I wish to write about.  In fact, the strongest feeling of them all, one which is entirely new to me, is this timeless classic called love, or, being in love [I know. Totes gross].  The happiness and the excitement and this new wholeness stemming from that feeling is dancing around inside me, waiting to bust out into song.  But the ability to describe with integrity the breadth of love I have for this being or simply what even love is to me, seems entirely impossible.  I don’t know what to write or what to say.  Lost in a sea of just, well, feeling.  Then cause I’m a bit cray cray I spiral into darkness thinking if I am unable to depict the commonest of experiences, how can I seek to then express all that lies beyond the most obvious of topics and bring the depth and reality to my music as I desire. Don’t worry, I‘m rolling my eyes at myself.

So yeah, winter has been unkind to me.  Work pressures, fickle health, light deprivation, not to mention the endless attention-demanding navigation of high-heeled shoes over wonky slippery Wellington pavements.  Winter is just so fricken hard.  However, perhaps there was one thing I can attribute the word-famine to; a heartbreakingly bad review.  

So this was posted some time ago, and I haven’t shared it publically yet till now.  I’m not really sure why now I feel like showing it.  Perhaps it’s my finale.  My way of letting it go.  I know you are supposed to have thick skin if you are wanting to work in an industry like this but I guess you only get that thick skin by learning how to live through these things.  This was not only my first bad review but it was my first review.  So, that sucked.

So while it has been hard to pull myself out of the recesses of that swift kick to the gut, I seem to be getting there.  The truth is I love music and I love the music that I make.  I love my band and I love performing.  I love performing even if there is only one person in the crowd who appreciates it.  I just love it.  Like, it is the time I feel most myself and the most connected with the world.  So I guess all in all, first layer of thick skin acquired.

And while I still feel surrounded by the tunnel I have been trudging along inside for the last few months, I am starting to see some sunlight through the cracks and cannot wait for the summer at the end.  This year will see a few more fabulous gigs yet, with some new material AND a beautiful new video clip for my song All a Flutter.  So plenty to be looking forward to. 


And Plenty of words yet. 

falling, yes I am falling

So admission time. I have never been a fan of the Beatles. Just hold on a minute ok, perhaps I should re-phrase! I have never known enough of or about the Beatles to even know whether or not I like them, and admittedly, I have never been that curious. I mean, sure, I know the classics like All you need is Love and I wanna hold your hand, however the association those songs have with the Beatles for me is slim. All you need is love reminds me of Christmas due to my favourite seasonal movie, Love Actually, and well, I wanna hold your hand always makes me think of Kurt from Glee. But what can I say, recently I have been lending my ear towards them and I am suddenly understanding their renown.

I am not going to pretend that I have started listening to them out of a pious desire to educate myself musically.  No.  Over the course of this year I have fallen for a boy who is pretty much obsessed with them and like in most relationships you can’t help but absorb some parts/likes/tastes of your significant other.   While I have shown him the beauty of earl grey tea he has shown me the beauty of the Beatles.  Clearly both of mutual benefit right?

While the classics like I mentioned above are actually magical and breathtaking, I mean All you need is love is actually just a fantastic heart warming affirming song but also, I have found they have this plethora of songs and lyrics and melodies and sounds that I utterly appreciate.  Yeah I know this is not news to a lot of you, but just bear with my slow realisation.

I mean, ok, this slow realisation and my sudden enjoyment for this band whom I have always ignored has perhaps only been ignited due to my ardent interest in a particular boy (perhaps entirely because the moment I knew I loved him was during a viewing of Across the Universe) BUT a slow realisation is better than none hey? 

Their songs, while seemingly simple, are quite complex and often things they do remind me of musicians and music that I idolise today.  For example, I was listening to a song the other night (unfortunately I have NO idea which song it was), but at the end it had this random calamity of noise and it actually completely reminded me of Sufjan Steven’s ‘All Delighted People’.  Now Sufjan is one of my favs, like I loooove that man, and it was surprising to me that I could find familiarity between the Beatles and him.  Now clearly Sufjan and the Beatles are not similar artists, but I could certainly find aspects of their musicality that I love that seemed to remind me of the other.

I think perhaps it surprised me because, lacking in knowledge as I am, I’ve never seen the Beatles as particularly edgy and I think I like music that is slightly edgy; interesting and different.  I know musically they were supposedly “innovative” but to me they’ve always seemed like a regular pop band, like a 60’s version of the Backstreet Boys.  While their music alone can defeat that belief, I have to say after my recent viewing of the Beatles movie A Hard Day’s Night my boy band pop persona idea has irrevocably changed.  The movie is so Fucking weird, they are out there as shit.  Pardon my language!  I can’t fathom a massive popular band releasing a movie remotely similar in nature.  I can’t imagine something like that could succeed.  It is impressive that they could.

I honestly have no idea how all of this is relevant to anything, or why I feel the need to share this.  Perhaps I feel I must confess my sins of ignorance or perhaps I am just excited about this discovery.  Maybe it is nothing more than something to share on a Tuesday afternoon.    

Now seeing as I’m still a total Beatles newb and have a lot to learn and listen to I am wondering if you all could let me know your absolute FAVOURITE Beatles number.  So far, my two most favourite of their songs (that I have listened to) are “I’ve Just seen a face” and “Good Night”.  If you don’t know those ones you should definitely listen to them.  You should listen to Good Night right before sleep, it is the PERFECT lullaby.  Yeah.  There ain’t nothing wrong with being 29 and wanting a lullaby.