priorities

Whatever I am doing lately, I feel like I should be doing something else.  Everything feels important.  I find myself unable to actually give specific weightings to my priorities ‘cause I want everything all the time at the same time.  Everything.  I want to be able to travel and buy clothes and go to concerts and be able to clear my debts.  I want to eat healthy and learn how to cook, be able to socialise every night of the week and also give myself space to write music and be creative.  I want to sleep in and lounge around the house all weekend with my boyfriend and also get up early and see and experience the world.  How the crapballs does anyone have time for everything.  I want it all and I want it all now and I can’t figure out what the fuck is most important to me.

Living in this state is the worst because it makes it really hard to enjoy the great things that you are actually experiencing.  I feel like I am perpetually living in fear of running out of time, this fear causes anxiety and anxiety causes depression and to cope with depression I sleep, which leads me straight back to the fear of running out of time cause I keep sleeping instead of doing things.  Talk about a vicious cycle.  I also sleep because I am afraid of being shit at everything I want to do although I will probably only admit that to your face after a few drinks or if you are part of the rare few who get to experience the sleeping-pill-drugged-up-Rhiain (she is quite entertaining and far too revealing so I have been told). 

Another downside to this inability to prioritise and the fear it induces is that you never think you are achieving anything either.  Mainly because you are always thinking far too far ahead to look at what it is you are actually doing.  So l decided to think about what it is that I have actually done this year and the list is pretty good. 

I almost died in January, gots me a good bout of septicaemia, which is pretty much a great way to start the year – especially because it coincided with the beginnings of a flourishing romance.  Luckily I didn’t die, and the romance has lingered.  I then also got to play at my first music festival which was an incredible experience.  So I guess one can say it was a busy January.  February was the first anniversary month for a couple of tragic things that occurred in my family last year, so that was a tough wee time, not to mention my dad was in a motorcycle crash that was pretty serious to say the least, but it also was the first valentine’s day ever that I haven’t been alone, and was in fact given one of the sweetest and most romantic gifts I have ever been given.  It was also a month where long-time friends and I got to retreat to the beach for some much needed bonding time as well as a month where I got to witness the union of two close friends and officially be welcomed as god-mum for their beautiful daughter.  March I had a paid gig to play and brunches to go to but mostly I think I spent it going on various dates with the bf and slowly becoming acquainted with his family and friends.  I also spent a crap load of time slacking off at work by shooting people with my dart gun and jumping out of bins to scare them.  This was in preparation of also having to farewell two workmates, the two who encouraged my playfulness (I in fact have had only one excuse to shoot my gun since they left).   In April I managed to source and play another paid gig, go to Melbourne for a friend’s wedding, tour a brewery and be promoted into a flash new role at work while also beginning a creative venture with the boyfriend in the form of an online zine called Venn (first issue in the making).  This brings us on to May which we are only half way through, but I have already endured the dreaded visit to the parentals to introduce them to the boyfriend, managed to keep my five month old goddaughter alive whilst being her sole carer for a few hours, and witnessed my older sister graduate her well-earned degree.

So…maybe I haven’t been doing nothing after all.

I guess I need to chill out a little bit.  After writing this list I can see that life has been lived and really that is my main priority.   I just want to be happy and live life.

Perhaps I just have to remind myself of that.  Often.