I’m getting on a plane motherfu*kers

There is 30’s swing playing in the next room right now.  There are three people around me who a week ago I did not know.  I am in a new house; a new room.  I have packed and unpacked everything I own.  I now have four flatmates as opposed to one.  I walk a different route home.  And I have said goodbye to what housed my last year.

After packing and unpacking, I have packed again, only on a far smaller scale.  I have skin that has been tanned by a spray.  My toenails match my fingernails.  I have seen the last of my office for the next 19 days.  I have saved all my good underwear.  And I am indeed on the cusp of holiday. 

Bali and Thailand baby.  Bali and fucking Thailand.  10 days with delightful friends in Bali celebrating a fabulous lady’s impending 30^th, followed by a visit to a love of mine in Chiang Mai with a brief liaison with the sister and brother-in-law in Bangkok.  Hello.  Could life be sweeter?  Oh yes it could.   Let’s add the warm-weather-reliability factor.  I’m having difficulty convincing myself that I don’t need to pack a bag of sweaters.  My mind can’t compute.  Summer in this country is not absent of a need for stockings and sweaters, but supposedly, the land of the Thai and the Balinese find these items in their unnecessary piles, or perhaps don’t find them at all.

I have BIG plans for this holiday.  Big.  In Bali I plan to sleep, read, drink, attend yoga, have many a massage, troll the markets, swim, be generally warm, and most importantly, laugh my freaking ass off.  This final point I am guaranteed of, for the mix of people I am going to travel with never seem to disappoint me on that front.  I think we are a sitcom waiting to happen.    

Then Thailand.  Realistically what is going to happen there is that I will chatter till my voice box and lungs go on strike.  I mean it, like proper strike with pickets and signs and slogans and general masterful protesting.  For I plan on chattering, nattering, squealing, yelling and laughing at various quantities within the albeit too brief time I will spend with my friend Pash who lives in Chiang Mai.

THEN (as if things couldn’t get any better) I get to spend one magical day in Bangkok with the two most precious people known to my existence.  I am not sure what we will do but I doubt we will sleep.  At least I certainly won’t.  I’ve missed them too desperately for the past six months as they have been travelling the world, so I will probably resort to watching them sleep and sniffing them occasionally so I can absorb their presence back into my bones.

This holiday honestly could not have come at a better time.  Almost as if it weren’t on the horizon my body might have given up some time ago.  I guess I feel just a bit burnt out (as you would have probably gauged from my last post).  I’ve been in survival mode a bit; a bit just make it to the holiday Rhiain.  I’ve actually only just realised how much this is true for I have barely made any plans post-holiday.  For the first time in ages it feels like a bit of space might be allowed into my life, for the lack of post-holiday plans actually means I haven’t crammed my life full of too much stuff like I usually do.  This is not to say I won’t yet do that.  I can only promise myself so much.

I don’t know about you, but sometimes the anticipation of things is almost better than the thing.  Like waiting for this holiday has been such a drawn out and stretched process but the anticipation has been heartbreakingly fantastic; waves of joy and excitement have smacked my face and washed over my body every now and then for the past, well, two years.  Yeah.  Two years.  I’m pretty sure it was my friend’s 28^th birthday when she tabled this idea initially.  But sometimes being on this side of the adventure is more fun, for on the other side it is simply over.  I know that is a slightly fatalistic outlook, but it is my general outlook nonetheless.  So for this holiday my biggest goal is to be in the moment.  Breathe it in.  Experience it.  Not rush through the good parts with premature sadness of their impending end, but appreciate what time I have and that I have it as opposed to not.  Knowing me I will not achieve this goal entirely, but heck, I am going to try my darnedest. 

What I will say though is that whilst I have barely any “plans” post-holiday at the moment, I do plan on devoting a load of time to thinking on this trip.  I am hoping to get the creative juices flowing and begin crafting some new lyrics and new songs and new ideas, so keeps your eyes peeled and your ears open. Now, I will hopefully update you all from Bali with some glorious photos of sun and beaches or stories of happy happenings, but until then…love to you all.

the lament of foolishness

There are days where I am astounded by my own stupidity.  You know that ill feeling that weaves its way through your veins so that every part of yourself feels aware of how royally you messed up.  I find it incredibly difficult to process the feeling, the awareness of one’s foolishness.  I feel it sits in my skin and stains all my thoughts and I can’t escape it.

Even when a stitch-up-solution is found, you know a solution that whilst “solves” things is not ideal and should never have had to have been broached, well even when that patch is found I can’t help but feel the echos of stupidity reverberating in my hollows. 

I have faced a lot of conflict and challenges in the last year and whilst I know I am learning and I know I am growing and I know I’m building my strength and thickening my fighter blood, I don’t understand why these situations cannot be a little bit more spaced out?  Cannot the respite period be longer in order to solidify these so called lessons?  It’s like for the last year I’ve been stuck on a ‘rapid fire’ level in some playstation game.  

I know things have seasons.  We have literal seasons in our year and we have figurative seasons in our life.  I get that.  I accept that.  I can deal with that.  But the thing about seasons is that, for example, Spring always comes just in time; it flashes its shades, tantalises you with its pockets of warmth, and helps you make your way through to the show-stopping heart lifting song of summer; the actual light at the end of the tunnel.  Especially here in Wellington, Spring is renowned for its thrashing wind and its fickle days but yet it manages to give you hope of what lies ahead.  It shows you there is going to be an end to this stagnant cold and darkness.  And if I’m honest I just feel like I am in an incredibly long and drawn out winter and I am desperately awaiting the arrival of Spring in my life. 

Well that’s not entirely true I suppose.  I’m such a verbal processor that now that I have written that down I guess I realise that perhaps I have had a few flashes of Spring as of late.  Releasing my EP being one of them.   My impending trip to Bali another.  So maybe my Spring is starting to stretch itself across my life.  As I said Spring is known for its horrendous winds so maybe I will just be thrashed about for a tad longer, but then I will get to move into a sunny calm period.  I honestly hope so. 

I’m not suggesting my struggles are the worst of their kind, although I have to say I have had a few experiences this year that would probably rate high on the scale of nasty.  But that’s the thing isn’t it.  It doesn’t really matter what it is.  This year I have dealt with things, and am dealing with things I have never had to deal with before.  It has been the fullest year, good and bad, that I have ever had.  And I think it is a fruitless exercise to compare tragedies and wounds.   All I know is I am getting tired from dancing quickstep style, one step forward and far too many back.

I’m not really sure much of this has a point apart from it being thoughts and words I am sure most of you have thought at some point.  But I know talking about things always helps me to better deal with them and to ground myself as well.  The reality is what really can I do but hope that this is the transition from winter to spring and that the evidence of summer will soon be on the horizon. 

I think I just have to make it through these next few weeks and then it will be all sunshine, sleep, cocktails and yoga as I fun it up in Bali.  Bring it on.

on thursdays in spring and releasing eps

As it has been a long while since my last post I am fearful this might get long and wordy (as I am surely known for editing in words as opposed to out), but then again, there is a lot to catch up on!  Since we last spoke I have been busy as a bee working on a variety of things all culminating in my EP release ‘tour’ (yes two cities constitutes a tour methinks!).  I’m not gonna lie, it has been a heck load of work, and being the sort who is naturally of the anxious persuasion, it also had moments which were overwhelmed by stress.  But really, it’s been the best and most rewarding thing I have done even though its been quite a long voyage just to get this far. 

Almost 3 years ago, in September 2009 actually, I was just hanging out in Houston, Texas with one of my closest friends, and we were sitting and chatting on her bathroom floor, which might I just say seems to be a setting which throughout life has proven to be the place in which life changing scenes play out for me.  Some of my most memorable moments include friends, bathrooms, and plum wine (and if your mind just went to the gutter,  get.it.out!).  My friend and I were sitting on the cold tiles talking about love and life and goals and dreams.  I was 25 at the time and I exclaimed that that was it; I had had enough of not chasing my dreams.  I declared that when I returned to New Zealand I was going to make an EP and it was going to be called heartplusmelody.  At that time I didn’t even know what songs would be on it, and in fact it turns out I hadn’t written any of them, but I just knew it was to be called heartplusmelody.  And so to cement this plan, this goal, my friend and I traipsed on down to the local tattoo salon and inscribed those exact words on the inside of my foot. 

So yes, it has taken three years for the initial gumption to be followed up by results.  But I consider myself a late bloomer, someone who takes her time with things, and definitely with the tortoise approach to life.  But I think that is ok.  It is ok to be 28 and only just releasing your first EP.  The EP release ‘tour’ was actually at a perfect time for me; it was at the end of the week that I turned 28.  I feel like I’ve started my year with a bang.  I don’t know about you, but I always give myself two new years, each year.  There’s the proper new year, at the start of the year, where you make your resolutions and you refocus yourself.  But then sometimes the year disappears before you have a chance to catch your breath, so I have my second new year on my birthday, cause technically it is also the start of a new year for me.  And as I said, I couldn’t be more pleased with how my second new year has begun.  We did our Wellington show at a cafe/bar called MEOW and  I love it there.  Mainly because if my lounge could look like anything, I wish it would look like MEOW.  All 70s decor, Lynch prints, people serving me food and wine.  I was nervous as the night started out because there were only a few people dotted around the place.  I was worried that despite all the work in promotion and advertising my audience might still be slight.  But as time wore on people flowed through the door till, from my on-stage perspective at least, it was full to the brim.  Standing room only styles.  Perhaps it was due to the fact that this time round I was hemmed in by 6 other people on stage with me (as I got on board some fantastic and new ‘utter strangers’ for these shows) or whether it was the few reds I skulled back beforehand, but my nerves slowly peeled off as we made our way through the soundscapes of Lontalius and Our Wild Lies to the point that when it came time for us to take the stage I claimed it and indeed set up home there.  I felt comfortable, at peace, and I had the best time I have had in ages.  I love performing.  I love singing.  I feel like things make sense when I do it.  At least to me.  The night almost feels like a dream now; a happy blur of goodness. (I have put some photos of the MEOW show below).

The next day however, when we realised we had to drive to Palmerston North, set up and then do it all again, our tiredness overtook any feelings of happy.  But then that’s the reality.  Like all things it’s part desperate hard work and exhaustion and part joyus fulfilling activity.  And of course, once the hard work was done, once we made it to Palmy and set up, that night too was a blast.

When I arrived home on Sunday I patted myself on the back, acknowledging to myself, I did it.  And then I collapsed in a ball of tiredness and watched ‘So you think you can dance’ till I fell asleep.

It’s funny though, all this work, all this energy, all this time, all these emotions, to get me here, at what I hope simply to be the beginning of my venture into music.  Now especially that I have a taste of it my mind is alight with notions and ideas all the time, and I am already dreaming about my follow up EP.

There is still a lot of work to be done.  Gigs is numero uno on the list of priorities.  I will surely notify you all as soon as I know of any on the horizon.  But also I just wanted to take this moment to thank the many many people who have been part of this with me.  I initially thought I was going to do this alone, as in make and release a CD under my name as a solo musician.  How thankfully wrong I was.  The name Rhiain and the Utter Strangers embodies how collaborative this whole thing is.  This EP and its release can be directly attributed to the likes of Oli Wilson, Nadine McGrath, Emma Tate, Tim Kelly, Chris Butchard, Rob Burns, Paul Gauvin, Alex Vaatstra, Dale Cotton, Jon Screech, Iain Dangerfield, Sarah Colman, Nina Tate, Monique Harlen, Andrew Tate and Brooke Singer.  But beyond that there have been people setting the stage for me for some time.  My family who have been physically, emotionally and financially supportive since, well, forever, and my close friends who have always encouraged me to chase rainbows and at times dragged me by the hand in order to do so.   I may be the face and the name, but I am certainly nothing without these peeps. 

Eeeugh I know.  That was a bit mushy ay.  Sometimes my heart is full of gushiness and a lush appreciation that I get a bit romantic in my expression.  But I think rolling with that is a good thing, I don’t think people tire of being thanked or appreciated.  And I hope all the abovementioned people know how thankful I am for their contributions.

So now it is September 2012.  Spring is upon us and my second new year has begun.   And I have hope it will be a good one.