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Monday 31 December 2012

so this is the new year...


Happy New Years!! (she says as she high fives herself and continues marathon-ing it through Downton Abbey season one).  Due to an unfortunate timing of a silly procedure, Miss Rhiain, aka me, is at home alone on New Year’s eve.  As I cannot be around people I am going to talk my mouth off to all you online folk about new years and resolutions and making years count.

Last year, just prior to the turn of 2012, one of my close friends invited me around for an afternoon of lavish kindness together with another close friend.  With food and wine we sat around and chatted until a home visiting beautician showed up and surprised us with delicious facial treatments.  It was divine.  After the facial we returned to my friend’s lounge where she had laid out blank canvases for each of us surrounded by stacks of magazines and other “scrapbooking” materials.  “We’re making dream boards” she said.  I know, the words scrapbooking and dream boards kind of make my skin crawl a little too, they’re just sort of naff words.  But in all honesty it has been one of the best things I have done leading into a new year.  Beats the crap out of any new year’s resolutions I have tried to make and inevitably never stuck to, or any other sort of evaluation mechanism I have tried to implement.

I always spend either side of the cusp of the year panicking basically.  Worried I have wasted it, and fretful over how to make the next one count and I know I am not alone in this sort of behaviour.  So like most I have spent years making lists and resolutions and instead of said lists and resolutions providing me with freedom and inspiration and resolve, I have more or less felt like I am just putting off the inevitable disappointment that I will be to myself, as I know I will fail.  Like I have a brick in my hand and I’m falling to the bottom of the ocean.  Yes, I am nothing if not dramatic.  So I know not how to express how magical it was to spend a crafty afternoon with two of my favourite ladies, finding pictures and pretty images and statements and words that created my dream year for 2012 in the form of a collage.  We spent quite a few hours cutting and pasting and thinking about what actually we wanted from the year to be and then we walked each other through our dreams.

The exciting thing now is that pretty much everything on my board has happened.  Well, that’s hard to say really, as a lot of the things are progressive in nature, so the end result should not have occurred yet anyway, but the bulk of things represented by the imagery on my board, well, it has at least begun.  I had some simple things on there, like growing my hair.  Who knew you had to look after your hair to grow it right?  I didn’t.  But now I do.  And I’ve grown the crap outta my hair this year. And I love it (I’ve wanted long hair ever since I went to Scandinavia where the guys are beautiful but the girls even better). The rest on the board, not so simple.  Like one of my goals was to let go of the idea that I am unmemorable.  I’ve had that belief for most of my life and it has only been compounded by the fact that I am constantly encountering people who cannot seem to remember my name, let alone my face.  But I’ve learnt that this says very little about me and more about them.  See, I am a name person.  98% of the time I will remember someone’s name and face, even if I have only met them once.  It’s just a thing I can do.  Others can’t.  So this year I let that belief go.  That was much harder than growing my hair.  But I can actually say I did it.  It was on my board, and it is now done. 

Probably the biggest chunk of my board dedicated to one thing was covered in music related imagery, and boy did I chase that this year.  It’s exciting to think that within one year I have recorded and released an EP, had my song played on national radio, and shot a music video together with a bunch of other very cool things.  Its totes cray cray.  Kind of unbelievable, for me anyway.   It been hard work, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it.  I’m still just an unknown, just a girl pursuing a career in music, but hey, that’s hells as better than where I was a year ago.

Other things I’ve managed to do that were weaved into the imagery on my board is travel (Bali & Thailand), put myself out there in terms of boys and romance and whatnot and also wear togs without boardshorts (because let’s be honest ladies, it just looks better).  So yes, I think it has been a successful year and it is so nice to be able to look at the canvas that I plastered only but a year ago and see that I really did what I wanted. 

I don’t think I am going to return to resolutions.  Whilst I haven’t made another board this year (yet) I am going to figure out a way to creatively highlight my hopes for 2013.  I think the difference is, instead of resolving to go to the gym three times a week from now on, or something of the sort, I’ve decided it’s better to say saying something like, I will pursue health this year.  Give yourself room to grow into it I reckon, otherwise you always feel like too much of a failure to continue trying.  That’s what I’ve noticed anyways.

So yeah. This is the new year.  And I’m excited.



(this was my dream board for 2012)

Wednesday 10 October 2012

survive and live!

Salemat Pagi! (Indonesian)
Sawadee kha! (Thai)

or in our language, Hello! 

Today I find myself in a very creative space.  A room that is lush with inspiration that on entering I began itching to create.  And seeing I am instrument-less, the art of forming words is what I have chosen.   

I am in Chiang Mai, Thailand at the moment with my friend Pash.  She works as a graphic designer for an NGO called Partners.  They provide aid and relief for Burmese refugees.  I am here in her office space and it is just gorgeous.  Massive wooden white tables, perspex with chalk pens, arty gadgets and dowhackys lying around, pens, pencils, paper.  Divine.  Whilst I will not pretend that I have the kahones for the intensity of the work they manage to do over here, I do crave to have a creative space like this.  Oh I am imagining right now the beauty of coming into work everyday to a space that is inspirational and lush, littered with friends and colleagues and creative projects and just getting my hands and head and heart in there.  I feel like right now I am getting a glimpse of something I want.  I will now have to start thinking on the how. 

But enough of that!  One must back the truck up a bit and catch you all up on the last 10 days.  The days of Bali.  Ten doesn't seem like a big number but I can report with a pleasant happiness that the days seemed long and full which often doesn't happen on holiday.  I went to Bali with five of my friends to celebrate one pretty lady's 30th birthday.  We spent the first three days in Sanur on the east coast, then up to Ubud which is in land for three days, and lastly Kuta for three days.   We decided collectively if we were to change anything from the trip it would be to start with Kuta and end with Ubud; for all its popularity, Kuta is anything but my favourite thing.  However I decided that whilst I lacked the love for Kuta I think it was essential to experience.  Every time we went somewhere new in Bali we saw something we hadn't seen before.  Bali has many facets and its extremes somehow create the balance that it is known for.  I think one of the most interesting things I learnt while in Bali was about the balance.  For me, as you will know if you have read my other posts, I think in seasons.  Our external world is affected and altered by physical literal seasons, and in life I often use the concept of seasons to explain my thoughts on the world and my position in life.  Whereas in Bali they don't have seasons.  They have dry and wet.  Male and female.  Ying and yang.  Good and bad.  Balance.  And I think it has given me a new perspective.  I guess perhaps naively I have considered balance to be the middle place between good and evil or the middle between busy and bored and so on and so forth.  But I think now it is having equal parts of both.  

And I think as a group we found that balance in Bali.  We had lots of laughter and lots of silence.  Lots of rest and lots of busyness.  We did a heck load of stuff actually.  We went for explorations on bikes and negotiated our way through a ruleless roundabout, we went to a silversmith class and I have a gorgeous silver ring inscribed with the memory of Bali, went to the markets and bartered it up, we lay on the beach and I fortunately avoided the burn, we experienced a Balinese Kecuk dance, we visited rice terraces and coffee plantations and saw pineapples growing "in the wild" (who knew pineapples didn't grow on trees?), we saw a temple, we saw the last of the sunlight setting over Jimbaran beach, I mean yeah, we did a lot.  But yet it was laced with relaxation and rest.  I think the only thing I didn't manage to do which I said I wanted to do was yoga, but hey, I can do that in Wellington :).

At the first resort we stayed at in Sanur we had a romantic dinner as we all honeymoon packaged it up, and it was lovely.  The hotel staff spent all day preparing the area we were to sit in, decorating it with flowers and woven flax and they left us a letter on the table which I picked up and read out loud to the group as we sat down.  Because we had already experienced some hilarious menu reading like corn plakes instead of flakes and cheese and ram pizza instead of cheese and ham pizza, I mis-read the word live (sounds like give).  I read it as live (as in jive).  Five or more times throughout the letter they said, 'Survive and live happy life!' which is lovely if you read it as live/give however every time I read it I used the live/jive sound and I was completely oblivious to my mistake.  My friends graciously didn't correct my mispronunciation until afterwards when we all gaffawed over my silliness.  In fact, it soon became the motto of the trip and we had to convince ourselves it was a bad idea to all get matching tattoos with that inscription.  

So to you all, I hope you are well and and happy and survive and live (jive) happy life!

Saturday 29 September 2012

I’m getting on a plane motherfu*kers

There is 30’s swing playing in the next room right now.  There are three people around me who a week ago I did not know.  I am in a new house; a new room.  I have packed and unpacked everything I own.  I now have four flatmates as opposed to one.  I walk a different route home.  And I have said goodbye to what housed my last year.

After packing and unpacking, I have packed again, only on a far smaller scale.  I have skin that has been tanned by a spray.  My toenails match my fingernails.  I have seen the last of my office for the next 19 days.  I have saved all my good underwear.  And I am indeed on the cusp of holiday. 

Bali and Thailand baby.  Bali and fucking Thailand.  10 days with delightful friends in Bali celebrating a fabulous lady’s impending 30th, followed by a visit to a love of mine in Chiang Mai with a brief liaison with the sister and brother-in-law in Bangkok.  Hello.  Could life be sweeter?  Oh yes it could.   Let’s add the warm-weather-reliability factor.  I’m having difficulty convincing myself that I don’t need to pack a bag of sweaters.  My mind can’t compute.  Summer in this country is not absent of a need for stockings and sweaters, but supposedly, the land of the Thai and the Balinese find these items in their unnecessary piles, or perhaps don’t find them at all.

I have BIG plans for this holiday.  Big.  In Bali I plan to sleep, read, drink, attend yoga, have many a massage, troll the markets, swim, be generally warm, and most importantly, laugh my freaking ass off.  This final point I am guaranteed of, for the mix of people I am going to travel with never seem to disappoint me on that front.  I think we are a sitcom waiting to happen.    

Then Thailand.  Realistically what is going to happen there is that I will chatter till my voice box and lungs go on strike.  I mean it, like proper strike with pickets and signs and slogans and general masterful protesting.  For I plan on chattering, nattering, squealing, yelling and laughing at various quantities within the albeit too brief time I will spend with my friend Pash who lives in Chiang Mai.

THEN (as if things couldn’t get any better) I get to spend one magical day in Bangkok with the two most precious people known to my existence.  I am not sure what we will do but I doubt we will sleep.  At least I certainly won’t.  I’ve missed them too desperately for the past six months as they have been travelling the world, so I will probably resort to watching them sleep and sniffing them occasionally so I can absorb their presence back into my bones.

This holiday honestly could not have come at a better time.  Almost as if it weren’t on the horizon my body might have given up some time ago.  I guess I feel just a bit burnt out (as you would have probably gauged from my last post).  I’ve been in survival mode a bit; a bit just make it to the holiday Rhiain.  I’ve actually only just realised how much this is true for I have barely made any plans post-holiday.  For the first time in ages it feels like a bit of space might be allowed into my life, for the lack of post-holiday plans actually means I haven’t crammed my life full of too much stuff like I usually do.  This is not to say I won’t yet do that.  I can only promise myself so much.

I don’t know about you, but sometimes the anticipation of things is almost better than the thing.  Like waiting for this holiday has been such a drawn out and stretched process but the anticipation has been heartbreakingly fantastic; waves of joy and excitement have smacked my face and washed over my body every now and then for the past, well, two years.  Yeah.  Two years.  I’m pretty sure it was my friend’s 28th birthday when she tabled this idea initially.  But sometimes being on this side of the adventure is more fun, for on the other side it is simply over.  I know that is a slightly fatalistic outlook, but it is my general outlook nonetheless.  So for this holiday my biggest goal is to be in the moment.  Breathe it in.  Experience it.  Not rush through the good parts with premature sadness of their impending end, but appreciate what time I have and that I have it as opposed to not.  Knowing me I will not achieve this goal entirely, but heck, I am going to try my darnedest. 

What I will say though is that whilst I have barely any “plans” post-holiday at the moment, I do plan on devoting a load of time to thinking on this trip.  I am hoping to get the creative juices flowing and begin crafting some new lyrics and new songs and new ideas, so keeps your eyes peeled and your ears open. Now, I will hopefully update you all from Bali with some glorious photos of sun and beaches or stories of happy happenings, but until then…love to you all.

Saturday 15 September 2012

the lament of foolishness


There are days where I am astounded by my own stupidity.  You know that ill feeling that weaves its way through your veins so that every part of yourself feels aware of how royally you messed up.  I find it incredibly difficult to process the feeling, the awareness of one’s foolishness.  I feel it sits in my skin and stains all my thoughts and I can’t escape it.

Even when a stitch-up-solution is found, you know a solution that whilst “solves” things is not ideal and should never have had to have been broached, well even when that patch is found I can’t help but feel the echos of stupidity reverberating in my hollows. 

I have faced a lot of conflict and challenges in the last year and whilst I know I am learning and I know I am growing and I know I’m building my strength and thickening my fighter blood, I don’t understand why these situations cannot be a little bit more spaced out?  Cannot the respite period be longer in order to solidify these so called lessons?  It’s like for the last year I’ve been stuck on a ‘rapid fire’ level in some playstation game.  

I know things have seasons.  We have literal seasons in our year and we have figurative seasons in our life.  I get that.  I accept that.  I can deal with that.  But the thing about seasons is that, for example, Spring always comes just in time; it flashes its shades, tantalises you with its pockets of warmth, and helps you make your way through to the show-stopping heart lifting song of summer; the actual light at the end of the tunnel.  Especially here in Wellington, Spring is renowned for its thrashing wind and its fickle days but yet it manages to give you hope of what lies ahead.  It shows you there is going to be an end to this stagnant cold and darkness.  And if I’m honest I just feel like I am in an incredibly long and drawn out winter and I am desperately awaiting the arrival of Spring in my life. 

Well that’s not entirely true I suppose.  I’m such a verbal processor that now that I have written that down I guess I realise that perhaps I have had a few flashes of Spring as of late.  Releasing my EP being one of them.   My impending trip to Bali another.  So maybe my Spring is starting to stretch itself across my life.  As I said Spring is known for its horrendous winds so maybe I will just be thrashed about for a tad longer, but then I will get to move into a sunny calm period.  I honestly hope so. 

I’m not suggesting my struggles are the worst of their kind, although I have to say I have had a few experiences this year that would probably rate high on the scale of nasty.  But that’s the thing isn’t it.  It doesn’t really matter what it is.  This year I have dealt with things, and am dealing with things I have never had to deal with before.  It has been the fullest year, good and bad, that I have ever had.  And I think it is a fruitless exercise to compare tragedies and wounds.   All I know is I am getting tired from dancing quickstep style, one step forward and far too many back.

I’m not really sure much of this has a point apart from it being thoughts and words I am sure most of you have thought at some point.  But I know talking about things always helps me to better deal with them and to ground myself as well.  The reality is what really can I do but hope that this is the transition from winter to spring and that the evidence of summer will soon be on the horizon. 

I think I just have to make it through these next few weeks and then it will be all sunshine, sleep, cocktails and yoga as I fun it up in Bali.  Bring it on.

Thursday 6 September 2012

on thursdays in spring and releasing eps


As it has been a long while since my last post I am fearful this might get long and wordy (as I am surely known for editing in words as opposed to out), but then again, there is a lot to catch up on!  Since we last spoke I have been busy as a bee working on a variety of things all culminating in my EP release ‘tour’ (yes two cities constitutes a tour methinks!).  I’m not gonna lie, it has been a heck load of work, and being the sort who is naturally of the anxious persuasion, it also had moments which were overwhelmed by stress.  But really, it’s been the best and most rewarding thing I have done even though its been quite a long voyage just to get this far. 

Almost 3 years ago, in September 2009 actually, I was just hanging out in Houston, Texas with one of my closest friends, and we were sitting and chatting on her bathroom floor, which might I just say seems to be a setting which throughout life has proven to be the place in which life changing scenes play out for me.  Some of my most memorable moments include friends, bathrooms, and plum wine (and if your mind just went to the gutter,  get.it.out!).  My friend and I were sitting on the cold tiles talking about love and life and goals and dreams.  I was 25 at the time and I exclaimed that that was it; I had had enough of not chasing my dreams.  I declared that when I returned to New Zealand I was going to make an EP and it was going to be called heartplusmelody.  At that time I didn’t even know what songs would be on it, and in fact it turns out I hadn’t written any of them, but I just knew it was to be called heartplusmelody.  And so to cement this plan, this goal, my friend and I traipsed on down to the local tattoo salon and inscribed those exact words on the inside of my foot. 

So yes, it has taken three years for the initial gumption to be followed up by results.  But I consider myself a late bloomer, someone who takes her time with things, and definitely with the tortoise approach to life.  But I think that is ok.  It is ok to be 28 and only just releasing your first EP.  The EP release ‘tour’ was actually at a perfect time for me; it was at the end of the week that I turned 28.  I feel like I’ve started my year with a bang.  I don’t know about you, but I always give myself two new years, each year.  There’s the proper new year, at the start of the year, where you make your resolutions and you refocus yourself.  But then sometimes the year disappears before you have a chance to catch your breath, so I have my second new year on my birthday, cause technically it is also the start of a new year for me.  And as I said, I couldn’t be more pleased with how my second new year has begun.  We did our Wellington show at a cafe/bar called MEOW and  I love it there.  Mainly because if my lounge could look like anything, I wish it would look like MEOW.  All 70s decor, Lynch prints, people serving me food and wine.  I was nervous as the night started out because there were only a few people dotted around the place.  I was worried that despite all the work in promotion and advertising my audience might still be slight.  But as time wore on people flowed through the door till, from my on-stage perspective at least, it was full to the brim.  Standing room only styles.  Perhaps it was due to the fact that this time round I was hemmed in by 6 other people on stage with me (as I got on board some fantastic and new ‘utter strangers’ for these shows) or whether it was the few reds I skulled back beforehand, but my nerves slowly peeled off as we made our way through the soundscapes of Lontalius and Our Wild Lies to the point that when it came time for us to take the stage I claimed it and indeed set up home there.  I felt comfortable, at peace, and I had the best time I have had in ages.  I love performing.  I love singing.  I feel like things make sense when I do it.  At least to me.  The night almost feels like a dream now; a happy blur of goodness. (I have put some photos of the MEOW show below).

The next day however, when we realised we had to drive to Palmerston North, set up and then do it all again, our tiredness overtook any feelings of happy.  But then that’s the reality.  Like all things it’s part desperate hard work and exhaustion and part joyus fulfilling activity.  And of course, once the hard work was done, once we made it to Palmy and set up, that night too was a blast.

When I arrived home on Sunday I patted myself on the back, acknowledging to myself, I did it.  And then I collapsed in a ball of tiredness and watched ‘So you think you can dance’ till I fell asleep.

It’s funny though, all this work, all this energy, all this time, all these emotions, to get me here, at what I hope simply to be the beginning of my venture into music.  Now especially that I have a taste of it my mind is alight with notions and ideas all the time, and I am already dreaming about my follow up EP.

There is still a lot of work to be done.  Gigs is numero uno on the list of priorities.  I will surely notify you all as soon as I know of any on the horizon.  But also I just wanted to take this moment to thank the many many people who have been part of this with me.  I initially thought I was going to do this alone, as in make and release a CD under my name as a solo musician.  How thankfully wrong I was.  The name Rhiain and the Utter Strangers embodies how collaborative this whole thing is.  This EP and its release can be directly attributed to the likes of Oli Wilson, Nadine McGrath, Emma Tate, Tim Kelly, Chris Butchard, Rob Burns, Paul Gauvin, Alex Vaatstra, Dale Cotton, Jon Screech, Iain Dangerfield, Sarah Colman, Nina Tate, Monique Harlen, Andrew Tate and Brooke Singer.  But beyond that there have been people setting the stage for me for some time.  My family who have been physically, emotionally and financially supportive since, well, forever, and my close friends who have always encouraged me to chase rainbows and at times dragged me by the hand in order to do so.   I may be the face and the name, but I am certainly nothing without these peeps. 

Eeeugh I know.  That was a bit mushy ay.  Sometimes my heart is full of gushiness and a lush appreciation that I get a bit romantic in my expression.  But I think rolling with that is a good thing, I don’t think people tire of being thanked or appreciated.  And I hope all the abovementioned people know how thankful I am for their contributions.

So now it is September 2012.  Spring is upon us and my second new year has begun.   And I have hope it will be a good one.


Thursday 5 July 2012

the cusp of the weekend

Oh lordy. I can smell it. It’s called THE WEEKEND YO. Tomorrow be Friday and for that I am totes glad. Sometimes I prefer Friday to the weekend, for as a lady whom I worked with used to say, you still have the whole potential for a weekend in front of you and with that I completely agree. And for this weekend I am actually pretty excited. I have movies to watch, gigs to attend, brunches to eat, friends to see and music to play. I hope you all have a variety of funness lying ahead of you also.

For no other reason than I like sharing with people the things I like (and I am quite a liker of things), here are things that have taken my fancy this week. (and hopefully all the links work).

1. Last Friday night at work we had a function (which I muchly enjoyed helping to organise). We did a sort of posh wine tasting affair where we all pretended we could suss out the notes of whatever it was we were supposedly tasting (obviously I’m totes pro at it). Ok so my taste buds may not be able to distinguish oak or the particular fruits but it can certainly identify yum. And these wines were dang well yum. Not to mention his whole story was quite inspiring also. Accountant to boutique wine maker. I too dream of that sort of transition; legal secretary to full time musician. One can dream right? In fact, one should.

Georges Road Wines

2. Ok so call me biased, and that is fine, but I am pretty sure once you listen to this song you will need no convincing from me. This is a demo from one of my closest friends. She’s one of those people you wish you could hate cause they’re so beautiful and talented but you can’t hate them cause they’re so god damn nice too. All you’re left to do is love them immensely! She’s been part of my life for so long she’s home to me now and I ooze with joy and envy every time I hear this song (envy cause I didn’t write it!!). Seriously, it’s just one of those songs you want on repeat. The band is a duo, the members go by the names of Revlon Red and Sebastian Jones but together they are known as Our Wild Lies; and this week I am loving the crap out of them. Also I am so excited because it is confirmed that they will be opening for me at my EP release gig on August 24 at MEOW. So firstly, put that in your diaries and smoke it yo, and secondly get excited that these sweet Auckland peeps are heading our ways to share their rich melodies with us.

Take it and Run - Our Wild Lies

3. My life is feeling a bit empty these days because two of my most favourite people are not in the country. In fact, they used to live a mere 3 minute walk from my house and even then they felt too far away. They are those people who you can spend every minute of the day with and even then it’s just not enough. So I am missing them a lot at the moment. Currently they are meandering abouts the globe and taking some sweet ass photos whilst they do so. I reckon they are entirely brilliant at capturing the mood and the spark of a place. Also, looking at them makes them feel not so distant and like I get to experience their trip with them. (However, whilst I am at work at 9:00am on a Monday morning I am all too aware I am NOT overseas exploring the world).

Tim Kelly Photography

4. I went and saw a jazz quartet play on Tuesday night this week and they we’re entirely impressive. The lead singer was this pocket sized girl who looked like a doll but who could sing with such power and had a crazy pretty voice. Unfortunately, I have no idea who they were! But what they did remind me of is how much I love jazz songs. Particularly this one:

Lover Man - Billie Holiday

5. And lastly, just for a laugh, what I am loving is Ryan Gosling from the era of the Mickey Mouse Club. So, like all of y’all will understand, I think Ryan is the bees knees (at least that’s my PG version of what I think about him). My friends and I were watching Crazy Stupid Love and of course we were lusting after the Ryan. Now whilst most won’t admit it, superstar lust leads to youtube stalking, and thus I stalked my way to the early hours of the morning. I found the below clip and it brought so much joy to me. Not that I ever watched MMC when I was younger due to it not being aired here in lil NZ (and youtube not yet being invented), but the nostalgia of the era rose up within me. It reminded me of days that were simpler and easier but most of all it just made me smile and laugh.  I mean honestly, the fans.  THE FANS!! :)

Monday 25 June 2012

ice is slippery


What I have learned from this weekend is I was not born for wintery climates.  I have fallen over more in this last weekend than I have in years.  I now have bruised wrists, twisted ankles and a mild concussion as my souvenirs from Queenstown.   As I have returned to Wellington in a somewhat more fragile state than when I left, I have spent the afternoon resting my battered limbs and thawing my ice-block feet.  I have also spent some of the afternoon creating my songs-of-the-week playlist.  I love discovering new music however I will define new by saying new to me (oft I can be a bit behind the bandwagon).  This morning as I was flying above the ice capped mountains that drench the innards of the South Island I began to compile this playlist based on my moodiness and the majestic-ness of the sight through my tiny plane window.  I hope you enjoy these tunes this week as much as I do.

Thursday 21 June 2012

a time of firsts



Like firsts often are, the nervous anticipation was drawn out, the event all too short, but also, it was a little bit awesome.  The stage at the Lucha Lounge was a party to my first ever solo gig.  In fact, it was a night of firsts all round; myself, Our Wild Lies (previously The Kief), and Labrador Van all popped our performance cherries that night and were all a flutter with a giddy rush afterwards.  Okay yes, I have fooled around with music for a while now so people may question the validity of my ‘purity’, but for me Friday was most definitely my first legit gig experience.  

However, now that it’s done, now that it’s over, I do wonder what all the fuss was about. 

See I don’t know about you, but for me whilst performing is all I long to do, I am a wreck with nerves for days beforehand.  In fact, nerves tangle me up.  I am afraid of them like I am afraid of the thought of having to walk down a newly polished, winding staircase in stiletto heels in front of a crowd of people.  I’m afraid of the potential fall and the flusteredness and the lack of recovery.   People often try and comfort me by reminding me that even the most seasoned musicians and performers still battle the nerves before every gig.  Yeah, no.  Not comforting.  Whilst I completely understand the sentiment, the thought that this stress and anxiety isn’t going to fade over time makes it feel even worse.  Who in their right mind would sign up to a life of enduring this wretched knottedness tangling their insides?  I literally feel like nerves come in and set up residence in my body and tell my organs to get the fuck out.  I genuinely get the sense my usual parts are trying to escape their enclosures.   

The moments before I take the stage are when the combat escalates and quite honestly, the worst part is, I never know who is going to win.  It’s Rhiain vs Nerves; the battle edition.

Thankfully, I think Friday was a win for me.  Mainly because I enjoyed every damn second of it. 

Sometimes it’s hard to remember in the midst of things to just enjoy.  To enjoy this moment.  For me the stress and anxiety beforehand almost destroys the moment that is happening and I don’t recognise it till well after the event.  But I am glad that I didn’t miss the beauty of Friday or miss being present in it.  So many things were to be enjoyed for not only did I get to sing my heart out which is what I love more than anything, but I got a day off work, time with my precious friends whom I see far too infrequently due to distance, I got to meet new and interesting people, and I got to be inspired by the creativity of other talented folk. 

So that’s a 1 for Rhiain and a 0 for Nerves.

But the reality is, no matter how it would have turned out, I’d kill to do it all again.


Wednesday 13 June 2012

the beginning.

and so it is with nerves rising and excitement increasing that i begin; heartplusmelody, the blog edition.  the pursuit of a journey always intended will hopefully begin here to unfold. my clothes have all been washed, my bag mostly packed, and my songs as practised as can be for now.  it will be what it is.  and i will be what i am.

but no matter what, it is time to begin.